Given the horrific catastrophe I was expecting, I would actually consider this a small success. Huzzah!
“Given the horrific catastrophe I was expecting, I would actually consider this a small success. Huzzah!”
  • Overpreparing for Blackout

    I overplan and overprepare for everything. Much of the time, it is unnecessary, and as it turns out, can blow up in my face, spectacularly and comically, without any assistance from the Acme Corporation.

    During my first summer living in Providence, Rhode Island, I rented an in-law unit in a charming old house on a charming old street. The unit was on the ground floor, with a view of a garden in the front, and a view of a yard in the back. The landlord lived on the two floors above.

    We both received a notice that the local electric company was going to do some upgrading. As part of that, there would be a scheduled blackout during the wee hours of an upcoming evening.

    On that particular evening, my landlord made plans–effective plans–to stay elsewhere. I was new to the area and didn’t know anyone to crash with, so I just planned to hang back in the dark house, by myself.

    Should I cue the foreboding horror movie music now or wait?

    It was a weeknight, I had to get up for work the next morning. My electric alarm clock would reset during the blackout and not show the proper time in the morning. I didn’t have any other waking devices, so thinking ahead, I opened up my bedroom shutters so that I would see and wake up to the morning daylight. That’s me–always benefitting myself by planning ahead and thinking of the small things. My future self was going to thank me.

    However, when the power was shut off, the alarm system in the house automatically notified my landlord’s mother, who was not informed of the scheduled blackout. Very concerned by this, she called the local police department.

    I was not aware of any of this. I was just lying in bed, trying to nod off, like any other, ordinary evening.

    At some point during that ordinary evening, I heard the distinct sound of leaves crunching in the backyard.

    Then I heard more of that crunching sound and in a pattern that indicated there was someone walking around the backyard.

    Through my open shutters I saw a beam from a flashlight shining into my bedroom. There was definitely someone out there and they were looking inside my bedroom.

    That was followed by a knock on the back door. There was definitely someone out there, someone requesting a direct face-to-face encounter. I was scared shitless, but for some inexplicable reason, I got out of bed and walked towards the door. I could feel my heart pounding in my throat, like in those old cartoons. I vividly remember approaching the door and thinking, I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m about to die.

    I partially opened the door. A man identified himself as a police officer and started talking. I couldn’t see his face because it was completely dark and the only light that existed emanated from his flashlight, which was pointed in my face. He asked who I was. I explained I was the tenant (thus, lawfully allowed to be in the house at this particular time).

    He explained the reason for and the events behind his visit. There was some more talk and then we wrapped up our little impromptu conversation. Wow, what a crazy misunderstanding. Hilarious! I’ll just calmly go back to bed now.

    I went back to bed, but I didn’t sleep at all after that. I would not recover from that rush of adrenaline; I was up the remainder of the night. I still went to work the next day, on zero hours of sleep. I don’t remember any details from that day at work; I was still rattled and could only think about the events of the previous evening. It’s pretty safe to assume that I got jack shit done.

    That would stand in sharp contrast to our future dogs’ amazing ability to quickly recover and wind down from a sudden surge of adrenaline and go back to sleep.


    You can read about that in a previously posted, hair-raising tale here.

  • Knocking on Front Door at 4:00 a.m.

    That is never good. No one ever pounds on your front door in the dead of night for a pleasant visit or to share wonderful news.

    But on two separate occasions, about ten years apart, my wife and I were awakened to just that–very loud pounding on our front door, well past midnight. On each occasion, we both stayed in bed and tried to wait it out. But the knocking was persistent–a series of knocks, brief silence, another series of knocks, brief silence, etc. It wasn’t going to end unless one of us got up to face whoever and whatever was on the other side of the pounding door.

    I resigned myself–it was going to have to be me. Of course I didn’t want to answer it, but I’m the “man of the house.” I’ve never thought or said such a thing, or put my foot down, or said, “My decision is final.” But someone had to answer the door and it would be very cowardly to have my wife answer it instead of me.

    Our first early morning visitor was a conscientious neighbor, who was out walking his dog, and alerted us to a car door (not mine) that had been left wide open.

    The second incident involved two police officers called by the local medical center to enforce a needed hospital visit for the immediate treatment of a serious issue.

    Both incidents ended beneficially, without me taking an axe to the face. But given my mundane day-to-day existence, how is it possible that I’ve repeatedly been drawn into this nerve-racking scenario?

    How have I gotten so lucky to have acquired an unwanted and disproportionate amount of experience with this situation? I should go out and buy a raffle ticket for an all-inclusive luxury trip to hell.

  • Unexpected Request at Bowling Alley

    Bowling is fun. It’s meant to be fun, i.e., not overly-competitive, and I’m able to keep it fun, most of the time. However, if I don’t break 100, I get very mad at myself, and it’s not so fun.

    During one bowling outing, centuries ago, I was with two younger friends, bowling at the cheap, student union bowling alley. I was doing just okay, getting by, as usual.

    At some point during our game, a little girl from another lane came over and asked me, very kindly and innocently, “Can you bowl me a strike?”

    Uhhh…what? I can try. But you’re asking me based on what? Have you not seen what I’ve been doing over here? Exactly no strikes. I’m not sure why you think I’m magically capable of one now.

    Nonetheless, I took my ball and walked over to her lane. I’ve got her and her mom watching as well as my two friends, since our game was interrupted. No pressure.

    I stepped up and bowled a strike, a good-looking strike. I’m still not sure how or why, because I hadn’t bowled any earlier that day for myself. I was happy for her, but man, my game over there really could have used that. Anyway, that turned out well. It was a little unordinary and unexpected, but it’s over. What a relief.

    My friends and I returned to our lane and our game. Soon thereafter, the little girl came back over with the same request, “Can you bowl me another strike?”

    Oh, c’mon, these rising expectations are killing me. I got lucky the first time, give me a break here. Whatever, I’ll go over and give it another shot.

    I walked back over and spun my ball down the lane. The approach didn’t look good. The ball hit the set of pins in a bad position and at a bad angle. I’d be lucky to get a six. The pin action was ugly, but by some miracle, all the pins went down. It was a lucky, lucky garbage strike. I walked away immediately, relieved once again, but not proud. I needed to get out of there and quit while I was ahead.

    The little girl came over a THIRD time. After that? She asked for another strike, and without saying anything, I shrugged my shoulders, lifted my palms, and flashed her an exhausted grimace. At that point, the mom told her daughter and me, “Okay, that’s enough. No more. Thank you, sir.”

    No, thank you Mom, for finally rescuing me from this grant-a-wish quagmire.

  • The Black Hamster

    This is my beloved car–my 2000 Honda Civic DX. It still runs well and has less than 100,000 miles on it. I have no desire or need to get another car.

    When I bought it, my sister and brother also owned black vehicles, affectionately nicknamed the Black Panther and the Black Phantom. The power of my car, with four cylinders and 106 hp, paled in comparison to theirs. Commensurate with that, I aptly named my car the Black Hamster. Over the years, the number of nicknames has expanded to include the Hamster, Ham-Star, and the Hammy. And cars that were similar to mine, but weren’t mine, I have derisively called the Fake-Star and the Wank-Star.

    I bought it while I was a broke-ass student, so I opted for no options, only standard features.

    Four doors? No, what for? I hardly ever roll four deep. Hell, I hardly ever roll two deep. Do you have a car with just one door? Can I pay less for that?

    Air conditioning? No, what for? It has windows. (My wife HATES this to this day.)

    Cassette player? CD player? No, what for? It has a radio.

    Power doors? No, no power anything–no power doors, no power locks, no power windows, no power mirrors, no power seats. Everything manual (other than the transmission), including manual door locks and manual crank windows.

    After all of these negative customizations, I was buying one of the cheapest new cars available for $13,000. But I still had to finance it since I was only making $18,000 a year. I had the audacity to apply for a $10,000, three-year loan, which on an annual basis, represented a big chunk–about 20%–of my gross income at the time. I also conveniently neglected to mention to the finance company that I had school loans and credit card debt.

    My loan application initially went through, but got turned down after a second review for income reasons. I had to provide a letter from my future employer documenting that I would soon be gainfully employed and earning enough money to be considered a good credit risk for a loan on a Honda Civic with no options.

    And that’s no options or features, circa 2000, which obviously means no options from the present–no GPS, no Bluetooth, no touchscreen, no climate control, no heated seats, no cameras, no parking sensors, no lane assist.

    You know what else that means? My car is an amazing time machine. Kids get excited because they’ve never been in a car like mine, and once inside, they invariably start messing around with the manual door locks and crank windows. Kids understand how to operate the natural air conditioning system, and contrary to others, they absolutely love it.

    I love it, too. This is my Honda–my one and only, my ride or die.

  • I Hate All of These Sexy Asses

    C’mon man, I just want to run. I love my wife, I’m not looking for any trouble. I just like getting outside and going for a run. So too do the young ladies. And therein lies the predicament.

    Our city is home to a large number of recreational runners. This active group skews young and includes a roughly equal mix of men and women, the latter often donning very snug, form-fitting attire: running tights, leggings, spandex shorts, etc.

    I don’t want to see those athletic physiques in immodest clothing, but it’s unavoidable. If one is watching where one is running–which is always a good idea–it’s difficult to completely hide one’s eyes from it. Could we bring back the big, baggy, gray sweatpants? They worked great for Rocky Balboa.

    I first encountered this moral dilemma when I joined a running group. I wasn’t anticipating it and it caught me off guard. I was naive. How did I not see that coming? A nice fringe benefit, I suppose, if one is interested in indulging one’s hormones. I’m not. I just want to train for my race and mind my business.

    I finally came up with the perfect strategy to eliminate any such unwanted distractions: pass these runners. Turn the tables and let them view my ass as it gets smaller and smaller in the distance. It’s a great plan, beautiful in its simplicity, like most of my surefire plans. And I can confidently say…Hey, wait up! I can’t run that fast. You’re ruining my strategy. I had a plan!

  • Two Stoned Guys Walk Into a Bakery

    This sounds like the setup to a bad joke or to a good scene in a Cheech and Chong movie, but it is a true story, told to my wife and I by one of the owners of Baked–a small, local bakery, which is sadly no longer in business. Baked specialized in decadent desserts; the fudge brownies were my favorite.

    One day, two upstanding young gentlemen got high AF and ventured out along the main stretch of small shops by our house. 

    In the window of one particular shop, they saw a large sign reading “baked” and were naturally drawn to it, since they too were baked. So much so that they didn’t yet realize or understand that the shop captivating their interest was in fact a bakery.

    The two entered the small shop, and to their surprise, were confronted with multiple display cases, featuring a wide variety of baked goods. It was a lot to take in. It was overwhelming, especially with an overwhelming case of the munchies. They stood there a long, long, really long time. So hard to decide among all the options when so high.

    Finally, after very prolonged consideration, they placed their order: one of everything.

    BEST WALK-UP ORDER, EVER! That was truly the perfect stoner order. Martha and Snoop, Cheech and Chong, Harold and Kumar all would have been proud.

    I wasn’t there to see this episode or their bill, but at the same time, I’m also glad I wasn’t there to see their apartment the next morning.

  • My Accidental Stripping Performance

    My unenviable combination of running hot and being cheap never ends well, even in the face of meticulous planning. The occasion for this particular debacle: a relative’s birthday party, celebrating a milestone birthday, with 40 guests in attendance.

    The birthday party was to be held at a classic seafood restaurant, right on the water. I would be arriving by car, separately from my wife, due to my morning dog duty shift.

    The restaurant only offers valet parking. It is free, although it is implicitly and widely understood that a tip is expected. For reference, others in our party tipped the valet $10-$20; from my wallet’s point-of-view, it is not free.

    I strictly refuse to pay for parking, if at all possible, and knew of a few locations where street parking was completely free, albeit on a first-come basis. The tradeoff was a moderate, but healthy, 20-minute walk. Walk 20 minutes to save $20? That’s a small price my cheap ass is more than willing to pay.

    Slightly complicating matters is the fact that I run hot and I didn’t want to arrive at the party overheated, ripe, and soaked in sweat (the likelihood of that happening is 100%). So I planned ahead and incorporated my excessive body heat into my travel plans. 

    Rather than wearing my dress shirt during the trek, I carried it in hand while donning a running shirt that was made of breathable material and that wicks sweat away very well.

    I arrived at the outdoor restaurant parking lot a few minutes early, sidled up to my wife’s parked car, and switched shirts. The prearranged wardrobe change was executed successfully and smoothly. I love it when a good plan comes through, even for a trivial matter. 

    While congratulating myself, I wasn’t aware that I had just stripped in front of a family audience. I had just treated three female members of my wife’s family to an impromptu, amateur stripping performance.

    When I entered the restaurant and met our party, the three accidental spectators–my wife and two of her cousins–immediately informed me that they witnessed my public display through the huge, tinted, parking lot-facing window.

    Startled and embarrassed (my wife, at least) as I began disrobing, they tried to save me by banging on the window to get my attention and have me stop the bizarre, unsolicited peep show. I didn’t hear anything. 

    My tawdry little performance was over in less than a minute, but it may live on forever. My wife, apparently amused as well as mortified, snapped a picture of me in action; similarly, one of the two female cousins recorded a video. I am 100% certain that clip is going to get replayed at family gatherings in the future. The only questions are: which ones and how often?

    It could have been worse. Most obviously, I was changing my shirt and not my pants or underwear. And although I was shirtless in the bright daylight, I was facing away from the restaurant, so I maintained some decency, and didn’t give my assembled onlookers a frontal view.

    The two cousins traveled several hundred miles to attend the birthday party and that’s what they got for their effort–an unwanted and awkward sideshow. I’m truly sorry about that. At least the show was completely free, with no tip expected.

  • Terrifying Morning Hair

    This isn’t what you think. This piece isn’t about being awoken by someone with snakes for hair, someone you swear looked completely different eight hours and eight shots ago. This is about being woken up by a small, sweet gesture gone awry.

    My wife wakes up early (5:30 a.m.) and puts in long hours at work. Me? No such occupational misfortunes.

    I am not a morning person. I really enjoy my morning sleep. Fuck Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson and all other cheery, productive early risers. I need my inner beauty sleep. To compound my aversion to mornings, as an introvert, I don’t enjoy a lot of stimulation or conversation while I’m still groggy and slowly joining the land of the living.

    A few times before leaving for work, my loving wife leaned over my face to give me a quick goodbye kiss. I didn’t initially sense her presence during those interactions; I was lying in a warm bed, under warm blankets, in a deep sleep, very content, and completely dead to the world.

    As she leaned over, her long hair fell onto my face. However, what I truly wasn’t prepared for was that her hair was still wet and cold from the shower. 

    Suddenly jolted awake and completely alarmed, I reacted by shrieking in her face. What a tender way for me to say, “I love you, too.”

    I felt bad for my wife. She wasn’t expecting and didn’t deserve those reactive jump scares. She was taking a few extra seconds and a few extra steps out of her way, to be sweet, before leaving for work.

    After a handful of terrifying encounters, I kindly suggested we end this well-intentioned routine. My wife was very understanding and took it well. Still, it was somewhat unfortunate. A goodbye kiss in bed is a sweet gesture, but the morning frights were just too much. I didn’t enjoy waking up by getting scared to death.

  • Wicked, the Movie

    I hate musicals. I don’t get them at all. They’re so unrealistic and corny. A group of people, just hanging out, suddenly breaks into spontaneous song and dance, with perfect, never-before-rehearsed choreography. Yeah, that happens to me all the time.

    If I didn’t know that people actually enjoyed musicals, I would think they were some kind of joke. So when Wicked came out as a musical, I rushed to not see it, just like with all musicals.

    But when the blockbuster movie came out to good reviews, out-of-character, I asked my mom if she wanted to see it in the theater, on the big screen. She was up for it.

    We did our homework and played it right. The running time of the movie was 2:40, so we purposefully preordered seats next to an aisle for the inevitable bathroom break.

    Even though the movie was a musical, we both thought it was really good. (No shit, it grossed over $600 million in its first six weeks of release.) And the time passed very quickly–it didn’t feel like 2:40 at all. In fact, no bathroom breaks were needed or taken, which was also a small miracle.

    The other nice thing, besides the movie itself and me branching out a little, was spending some quality time and an enjoyable afternoon with my mom, while we are both–myself included–in good health and in good spirits.

    About a year later, I rewatched the movie on TV with my wife, and at more than one point, she remarked, “I can’t believe you watched this.” And yet, here I am, watching a movie musical for the second time. “I know,” I said, acknowledging that I also found it hard to believe. And then, inspired by that moment, we broke into spontaneous song and dance, with perfect choreography.

  • Baby Shower

    A friend and former coworker was thoughtful enough to invite me to her baby shower. My usual, default reaction is to say no to something out of my comfort zone. And my immediate, internal response to this was no. Why would I go to a baby shower?  I don’t think I’ve ever been to one before. I wasn’t sure what to expect, what to bring, how to dress, etc. And honestly–dark secret–I don’t really like babies. 

    In addition, I was afraid about being the only guy invited. For encouragement, I was told that a few other males would be there. However, they were all relatives of the mother-to-be or the host. They weren’t invited so much as they were conscripted. Their presence was expected, to put it mildly.

    I was afraid of looking and feeling totally out of place amongst a group of much younger women and mothers. I was afraid I would bring the vibe down. And I was afraid the shower was just going to be a group of women fawning and gushing over unwrapped baby clothes, ad nauseam.

    It was going to be held at a neighbor’s house in Atherton–a very affluent town in the Bay Area, home to tech billionaires. That also made me a little uncomfortable and apprehensive. The one apparent draw to attending would be the opportunity to throw myself down the neighbor’s front steps, hurt my neck and back, settle with their insurance company, and then jump on the gravy train.

    But I kept my initial response to myself and didn’t immediately RSVP.

    Over a few weeks, I thought about it some more. I don’t currently have a ton of friends and my universe of friends isn’t rapidly expanding. And yet, here is a friend, who was considerate enough to invite me. I should feel fortunate to be invited.

    In addition, I would much rather attend a baby shower than a funeral, which in the future, are going to become increasingly more common. And finally, why not? It beats the shit out of what else I was going to be doing at the time, which for the record, was nothing.

    So I said yes to the baby shower; I’m going. My wife, also mildly taken aback, chuckled, “I can’t believe you’re going to a baby shower.”

    Yeah, me neither. It’s against-type, but I’m going. Why not? I am absolutely going to have fewer opportunities to celebrate joyous events like graduations, marriages, and births. Life is short and getting increasingly shorter. I need to take advantage of things and enjoy experiences while I still can.

    I did go and I had a good time. In retrospect, I’m glad I went. Everyone there was very nice and inclusive, which put me at ease. The hosts were very accommodating and offered guests mimosas upon arrival. Classy shit! There was a really good spread of food, I met new people, and had fun playing silly baby shower games. And of course, it was nice to connect with an old friend, especially as her calm, quiet, orderly life was about to suddenly evaporate.

    For gifts, I followed protocol and bought gifts from the baby registry. But, for cheap laughs, keeping in-type here, I put them in a prank gift box. The mother-to-be was a good sport and laughed at the box once it was unwrapped. 

    What I didn’t expect was the reaction from the other guests. By all outward appearances and social cues, they seemed to be a mature and responsible lot. Which is to say, I doubt there were a lot of juvenile pranks in their everyday lives. So a prank box, which was definitely not on their radar, got really big laughs. Which was another bonus that I didn’t see coming. Oh man, baby showers are a hoot! When’s the next one?





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